Ok, so here’s the deal. I am done with college.
Last Wednesday was my last day. I walked triumphantly out of room 154 with my arms held high. The feeling is similar to the childhood thrill of finding Waldo after hours of scanning for his red and white striped shirt, and knowing that you had accomplished something that not every kid could! Every kid can’t find Waldo. Some children are inept at spotting the striped traveler. Many give up and let frustration ensue, because Waldo is clearly a master of disguise. But for the persistent, relentless, observant, child that does happen to find Waldo the feeling is great! Finishing school and finding Waldo go hand in hand! Who woulda thunk it?
So I have actually had a few complaints about my last few columns from several readers. It still makes me laugh when I think about the fact that I actually have ‘readers’! I have been informed that my last few columns have been tear-jerker’s. I would have to agree to a certain extent. So this column will be a change of pace.
Of course five years of college has provided many humorous stories and events. More importantly I have learned a great deal of valuable lessons that only the college experience can give. The majority of things I have learned from college have been outside of the classroom. I will pass down my knowledge for whoever finds it useful. Here we go! If you are offended, that probably means that I’m talking about you. Sorry. The first step to recovery is admitting the problem. We all have them.
You can call this part of my column ‘Baron Uncensored’
My fellow Gentlemen:
1.) Wearing tight fitting Texas Tech Football athletic gear does not mean that you are on the team. I’m sorry to bust your bubble. In the event that you do want to be on the team come try out, we would love to have you (no sarcasm intended). Oh, and the girls that find you interesting because they think you play on the team are not the girls that you want in your life. They are referred to as groupies or also commonly known as cleat or jersey chasers, and if by chance those are the girls that you go for. Ill pray for you.
2.) Wear appropriate clothes to the rec. No one cares to see your stretch marks on your arms and how quickly you have morphed. No one cares if you have muscles; this is not the Jersey Shore. Oh, and it’s the cool thing to wear deodorant when you work out. I don’t think women find the raw smell of man attractive. Only in the world of deer is the smell of must cool.
3.) While we are on the topic of hygiene this must also be addressed. So you know those little boat shoes, or Sperry’s I think they are called? Ok, so wearing those in the summer without socks makes your feet smell like death and decay. I know that some of you just got offended and are thinking “gees moron your not suppose to wear them with socks (read in Napoleon Dynamite voice)”, I am aware of that, however socks never hurt anyone. In fact I think if you ask any foot doctor they will tell you not wearing socks with your shoes and getting sweaty feet causes athletes foot. But what do I know; I’m no foot doctor! I’m just someone who has had a first hand experience with smelly Sperry feet. Oh, and don’t think that other people cant smell. However, you don’t have to worry about this issue with black guys because we wear socks with everything, especially Jordan sandals.
4.) The Axe body spray commercials are advertised well, but the result of a body drenched in Axe is false. Girls will not flock to you and kiss your neck. They will hold their breaths, and then talk about you behind your back. If you want to smell good this is what you do. Bathe regularly, ditch the body spray and buy some quality cologne and don’t use that excessively either. One spray in the air then walk underneath it, that’s the trick.
5.) No one is a good drunk driver! Don’t do it! I know everyone has had the friend that say’s “dude, I’m good! I drive better when I’m drunk, honestly alcohol doesn’t effect me when I drive. (Preferably read in surfer voice)” You sir, are what I would like to call a moron. Fellas, it is not admitting weakness by asking someone to take you home because you have drank too much. Your car will always be waiting for you the next day, most of the time.
6.) Don’t approach a girl and say “hey I’ve seen you on Facebook”, even if that’s the truth. If you are ever called a Facebook creeper just counter the verbal attack by saying that you don’t ever creep, you just pursue intently! In the event that a girl approaches you and says “hey I saw you on Facebook”, be flattered and send her a friend request immediately. Oh, and don’t put up on your facebook profile that your looking for random play, it’s not cool. Also, Facebook is not for putting all your drama out in the public. For men everywhere, if you try to be a Facebook ‘player’ you will get caught 100 percent of the time. Girls aren’t stupid, and have a built in detective instinct.
7.) Trying to be the class clown is no longer cool in college, it actually becomes annoying.
8.) Brush your teeth in the morning, even if your really tired and late for class. Sometimes you can’t tell you have bad breath, but other people always can. However, if you do forget to brush your pearly whites, gum will do the trick. Preferably stride layers. I wouldn’t mind if that’s what my diploma is made of.
9.) Don’t go commando. You never know when that plan might backfire.
10.) Your mode of transportation says a lot about a person. Walking and taking the bus is ideal. Biking is cool. Skateboarding and long boarding can be pulled off. Roller blades are a no-no.
1.) Wearing Nike running shorts and Ugg boots with only a North Face fleece when it is below freezing is stupid. This doesn’t make you look cute. Everyone can see that you are cold because your legs are covered in goose bumps and looked like someone plucked the feathers off of a chicken.
2.) Frozen yogurt from Spoonful is not a substitute for an actual meal no matter how many of your Ugg footed friends say so. I totally understand counting calories and I know that yogurt is a healthy choice, but sometimes calories are your friend! Sometimes they do cool things for you, like keep you alive.
3.) The elliptical machine at the rec does not actually do anything for you. Your walk from your car into the rec probably burned more calories than the elliptical machine does. Just because you walk into the rec doesn’t mean that you have worked out. Also please be understanding and not so harsh to the guys that approach you at the rec, you are the reason that 99 percent of the guys are there. Just because you do Zumba, doesn’t mean you are that hardcore at working out. A girl once asked me “how hard are football workouts?” I responded “not too bad” she then said “ Bet you couldn’t do a Zumba class.” Um, yeah ok. You got me there.
4.) Eating Josie’s every night will make you fat. The Freshman 15 is not a myth. It does not discriminate. You cannot hide from it in a Zumba class. It will kick down the door! ‘It’s gon’ find you’
5.) Don’t call guys creepers because girls do the same thing, its just that guys like it. Well, to an extent.
6.) Cursing all the time to sound cool actually doesn’t make you sound cool at all.
7.) Be presentable. Believe me I understand that we all run late, but that’s not an excuse to not brush your hair, or teeth. Puppy breath is only cute when it’s actually coming from a puppy, and its not really that cute then; let alone when it comes from the girl sitting beside you in class.
8.) Girls contrary to popular belief, your feet can stink just as bad as guys if you don’t wear socks. I know these things seem elementary, but you would be surprised.
9.) Just because a Metroplex restaurant comes to Lubbock (Chipolte, Einstein Bagels, Raising Canes) doesn’t mean that you have to sleep outside waiting for it to open to get a taste. I promise, eventually you will get some. This goes for guys too.
10.) Ok ladies, its not cool to act stupid when you aren’t. For example, if someone tells a joke that you don’t find funny or obviously don’t understand, you don’t have to laugh. If you’re a girl and your laughing right now, I’m talking to you. I’m not actually able to hear you laughing you know. You can stop now. Ok I was just kidding. Proceed with laughter. In the event that you actually are stupid, please don’t try and act smart. It will only make you look more stupid. Professor: “So would it be fair for African Americans to receive reparation for their sufferings?” Stupid girl trying to act smart: “ I feel like we have already repaired many of the black communities.” That is a true story and actually happened. If you laughed at that, good! If you didn’t, don’t act like you did. Its ok.
If any of that offended you, I am offended that you got offended.
Hopefully this column made you cry, but for a different reason! This week’s food for thought is this. If laughter is the best medicine, do you need to go see the doctor?
Wreck em’ and God Bless