Moving forward I will be changing my writing format a bit. I will be fielding questions from people and structuring my entire posts around those. With that being said, this is question number one.
Q – What is the scariest thing about your work?
Robert thanks for the question.
Everyday has it’s own endless little terrors/demons that have to be conquered at this point in the form of problems and tough decisions that constantly must be made with consistent humility and efficiency.
What I have learned about these little terrors and things that eat at everyone in the form of those things is that rarely do they exist outside of our own minds. My previous job of playing football taught me what danger is opposed to what fear is.
I played running back from the time I began playing football in the 7th grade. When I started playing I loved it only because I was good at it, but not because I understood the game at all.
When I started I was good at it because I was afraid to get hit, so I ran the ball to not get touched. I ran from danger, and because of that I ran fearfully. This worked for a while but not for long, I quickly learned that by running fearfully I only ran in two directions that did not matter at all over the course of the game.
I ran east to west, sideline-to-sideline forgetting the very objective of the game I was in by getting lost in a cloud of my selfish fear. I just so happened to be faster than everyone else in 7th grade so it worked, and I was praised for doing the wrong thing.
As time went on everyone got faster and the dangers caught up to me. My linemen and those who selflessly did their job for me began to turn on me because I didn’t obey the way the play was designed because I ran only for myself, while coaches cared less and less about how fast I was.
By the end of my senior year in high school I had learned to be the one who delivered the hit instead of taking it, I had a great coach that taught me that. But I still didn’t enjoy getting hit that much; I had just learned to swing back.
As I continued to play the sport I took on the mentality that it was always better to be the one who hit first, because the one who hit first is always in control of the response and mentality of the one who takes it, and when I began playing that way I still played a dangerous sport and had a dangerous job, but I did so fearlessly.
For example, I learned to stop trying to juke a corner because they are taught to throw themselves at your legs. Because of that I learned it was much better to be physical early and punish them so every time after that they only did their job how I wanted them to because most corners don’t like contact.
By the time I left college at Texas Tech I was known around the conference as the running back that was good because he would knock the shit out of you, and I liked that about myself, because it was being known for being the player who was good because he chose to be.
Those types of football players are always the best ones.
Those types of people are always the best ones.
We are not supposed to run from danger or run to it, we are supposed to analyze it and then use the wisdom attained through observation to be strategically brave in our decisions.
It is the goal of fear to make a human stand.
It is the goal of danger to make a human evolve though the emotion of fear, and it has always been my goal to become more fearless, as I understand the game more.
Locked within the fear of love I believe all meaningful wisdom is attained, because with the comprehension of what we fear to love, we gain better understanding not only of ourselves but the world around us, and with better understanding comes better love.
Fear is not always bad, but a necessary thing. Love is not always good but a necessary thing. Fear can be good, just like love can be bad. But balanced they are one. Together in pure form, they are always good, allowing everything to be positive or negative because of them.
You always know what you are afraid of by what makes you stand still longest, and you always know what you love most by what makes you move past that which you are afraid.
I am not scared of being in love, but I am cautious because I have experienced the dangers that loving the wrong things can bring, because the moment a human begins to love anything that they can lose, they also lose themselves to that thing. It is the beauty and danger of the emotion that we have named love.
To truly love is to truly fear, and because of that a pure love for an endless thing is what makes a man most brave.
Fear brings caution, and caution is wise. I recognize the things I should fear, but I never want to stay afraid of them because that is standing still.
However, danger is always real and requires a certain type of survival instinct that usually we respond to involuntarily. It is the fight or flight complex that has demanded humanity to continue.
One thing I am certain of is that as humans we have not evolved to be still, but to become more than what we are; sometimes being still can be the key.
But only for a moment.
Only to unlock ourselves, and then we must move or the prison is rebuilt.
Fear is always more convoluted than danger because for someone to be fearful, they have to weigh two things on a scale that can never be balanced.
And that is what can be lost and what can be gained.
What is less and what is more.
We attempt to control this scale we can never balance instead of knowing what has no weight at all because it transcends the idea of permanence and ownership that as humans we cling to.
There is no scale that can weigh love, because by love the scale was first created. Love was here first, and I believe is the only thing that is worth the energy of fearing because it dictates all direction in all realities of every single person to an extent.
I fear love because the things that I love are not only who and what I am, they are the paths that I walk and the consistent directions that I will always be inclined to follow.
I fear love because when I damage the things that I love, I know that I am only damaging myself, and that is something that I love highly.
As an artist I have learned there is a difference between loving and giving your love.
For me loving is giving attention, and giving my love is giving part of my direction. There is a difference.
The scariest thing about my job is that everyday I have endless opportunity and freedom.
I use that fear beneficially to remind myself that there is a possibility that I can fall in love with the wrong things, because I know everything around me is not beneficial, even though as a human I am inclined the desire to make it all mine.
I have to remind myself that ownership is something people created. And that we have only been here briefly and before us, nothing was owned.
I don’t want to own anything else that another mans hands have touched. I want to create what is desired to known, and then give that freely. I find that to be a sense of lasting, and to me that’s a large part of what it means to be an artist.
To give yourself openly and freely to the world, and have that be desired.
I find a paradox in everything I see from my perspective, because everything was made to be discovered, and nothing owned. And in time we have evolved to discovering less while desiring to own more, and that process is what slows and eventually destroys any civilization because it is the death of creativity.
But within that paradox of all things that I see daily, I gain the most inspiration because I find comfort in knowing that things were not made to be as terrible as we have made them.
I have to remind myself as an artist that the only things that I can call my own are the things that I create because I can name them, and even in that way all of the things that I create are still not mine, but for the eyes and minds of others to discover their own truths about.
The truth is that to get it all you have to give it all away.
The truth is we can own nothing but the decisions we make with the time we are given, and in that we are the judge, the jury, the defendant, the prosecution, while we take our own stand by handing the gavel to ourselves with every word we choose to speak.
So choose to speak kind words, and strive to make good things, and give them away freely like they will last forever and then they will.
As for me, my time is the only thing that I am in competition with at this point. And that means that I only compete within myself, for myself, to understand myself a little more.
I know three things for certain.
- I am here now.
- I matter to myself.
- My time is ticking away.
To love efficiently we must stay humble and this is how I live.
Recognize the absence of humility.
I know that the absence of humility is not only a disproportionate use of my time, but it is an ineffective use of my love.
To avoid this from happening I keep my anchor in my art, because that is what I am and choose to be, so I know that is where my love lives.
Prior to being an artist I wasn’t sure if I was capable of love because I had never really chosen to become myself, but know I know I am, because I chose to lose myself enough to give myself to myself.
And because I truly love myself as long as I am humble it makes it easy to love others.
But humility is key. And I humbly and deeply am in love with what I get to do.
Because I love something that both teaches me and challenges me, I am able to use the more powerful half of love, which we know as fear, to be the wisest guide to caution me of the things I give my time to in the form of my love.
Love is the power source, while fear is the caution sign.
I know the moment I fail myself is the moment that fear wins a war that is not occurring to anyone other than me and myself inside my own mind, because my ego didn’t allow me to see obvious danger.
Anyone who says they are without fear is a fool, anyone who fears what they love should move cautiously, while anyone who loves their fear can live fearlessly and last, because this person loves themself, therefore they know themselves.
Once you know yourself you are willing to step aside from yourself.
I’ve learned that the worst place to be is in front of yourself and not behind, because when you stay behind you have the option to strike when you are prepared while deciding how to react based on your own actions.
But the pompous soul has a blind side that it does not know, because in that moment the ego forgets that it truly is its own worst enemy.
Fear also serves as our constant cautious reminder of the self we do not know, have not tamed, or do not yet understand, while love is accepting, knowing, and understanding of the self that we are in the moment.
Both are necessary, and both are powerful.
Anyone who feels like they have won has lost, if the goal of winning is to own the victory.
We own nothing, when we see ourselves as nothing.
And when we recognize we are nothing but a lens that can view everything, we can see everything, and do not desire to own a thing, but simply know what it is that lasts.
My desire is to be lasting, and I’m learning humility is my constant key.
I will not lose, but I do not desire to win, because that implies a locked direction, and any one direction is fleeting unless it is expansive positive growth for the betterment of those around you.
I desire to learn the process for victory and then simply say that I am in the process of winning, while only briefly fearing the things I choose to give my lovely time to while I walk a golden path.
Fear is the caution of love. And the caution of giving love is sound direction, while we are all called to love by love.
We are made to love fearlessly because we are made to love endlessly.
The scariest thing about my work is that I naturally desire to call it mine. I would rather refer to what I do as my purpose as I simply work hard.
I know the dangers of seeing myself as my own master. That is why I am a slave to Art, because that is where I have learned everything that has helped me become.
I’ve made the mistake before to live within my ego, and I have learned that is how I lose my key, because the door to the cell is locked from the inside, while the prisoner is the only key.
I feel as though I have unlocked myself and now my desire lies in what more can I become.
I desire to know myself and become more, while I have no self. This is my constant battle. I don’t keep many mirrors around for that reason. I never want to look in the mirror and be vain about what I see.
I just wanna be.
I just wanna enjoy where I am at.
I just wanna make good decisions.
I just wanna love.
I just wanna last.
I work on this every single day.
And every day I work this way, in every way I’m free.